Academics spend a lot of energy trying to look hip and up to the minute with their students.

It used to be easy. Just mention Madge or Kylie or whoever and keep an eye on the latest trends. Before I had seen South Park, a linguist advised me to utter the phrase "you will respect my authoritah!" I couldn't bring myself to cheat like that, though.

The best exponent of the art I have seen is Deirdre Wilson, who has always been more up to the minute than her UCL students on the latest antics of the A list. In my day, I remember her referring to Sean Penn's photographer bating (OK, beating) and Ozzy Osbourne's dietary habits ("Ozzy's coming to dinner? I'll bring a bat!"). I wonder who features in her classes these days?

Recently, students have become more varied and it's that much harder to look like you're tuned in. I mean, naturally we've all forgotten John Major, but I've met students who don't remember, or haven't heard of, that horrible woman who dominated these parts in the 80s. You know, "the silent one"?

Anyway, it seems like I've just run into a bit of luck. I've been teaching a course on "Grammar, Standards and Correctness". The idea is not to correct the students, but to look at prescriptive attitudes to language and explore where notions of correctness come from. Imagine my delight when I found Brian Case's article "Gagging For It" in Time Out. He meets Mistress Chloe from "Fettered Pleasures" and discusses not only her range of merchandise (remote control triple ripple butt plugs, anal catheter with double balloons, you know, the usual stuff) but also some of the ways she deals with her clients. He points out that "she comes down like a ton of bricks on bad grammar" She says "I deserve proper grammar. I'm a stickler for that. I expect my submissives to observe proper grammar and if they don't, they have to write lines".

I wonder what I'd have to do to persuade her to come and give a guest lecture?